Long time no speak.
I figured we were long overdue another little trip into the inner workings of my brain. Hold on tight, kids.
I'm not sure how well this whole 'being on anti depressants' thing is working out for me. I feel, oddly, like I've lost part of, if not my entire, identity. For the longest time I lived every day with those thoughts and feelings, so long that they became normal, part of me. Now that they're predominantly gone, or at least somewhat muffled, I find my brain disconcertingly unoccupied. There's a hole where something used to be. It's frightening.
Take this for example, I read a post on tumblr saying that one of the people I follow had overdosed on sleeping pills and was in a secure adolescent mental health unit. To most people, their first though would be "Oh god, poor girl. She must really be going though a tough time" or words to that effect. My first thought was "I wish that had been me". What an odd thing to think. It's not that I am suicidal or anything, even when I tried I couldn't even conjure up those feelings. It's more that I feel i should have been me. That was me. That was my identity. I was the one who was supposed to end up sectioned or on a psych ward.
I am constantly torn between wanting to be happy and wanting to know who I am.
Bizarrely, I am actually finding myself wanting to be depressed again, which is mental.
As stopping my medication is not really a viable option, I am trying to carve out a new identity for myself.
This is proving very very difficult.
The phrase "Lost at sea" springs to mind.
