Experience?

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." - Mary Pickford

In recent times I have found myself making more than my fair share of mistakes. It would be easy to blame these mistakes on however much alcohol was in my blood stream at the time, but, in reality, I always believe that alcohol only allows you to do things you'd never have the balls to do sober. To save this from being a long, self-deprecating ramble, suffice to say that I hurt some people that mean a lot to me, people I would have normally gone out of my way to make happy. I can't shake the feeling that the person in the mirror is a girl I don't know and I find myself longing for the days when I was a simple, small town girl with small town aspirations, ignorant of the world outside and how ugly a place it can be. Ignorance, so it would seem, is complete and utter bliss.

I've tried to rationalise these mistakes, or at least give them some level of justification by telling myself that I've learnt from them and that they are all invaluable life experiences, after all a life in which you make mistakes is vastly more interesting that a life spent at home too scared to go out your own front door and make some bad decisions. Even so, it's very difficult to not be a little disappointed in myself.

I'd like to blame these mistakes on anything but myself - alcohol, coercion, loneliness - or that I'm just a single girl in a big city trying to enjoy my life, but the unfortunate truth is that my attempts at making myself happy have left me more miserable that ever and at a complete loss as to where to turn next. Naturally, I did the logical thing and went back to my mums, immersing myself in who I was when I was a care free sixteen year old listening to Taking Back Sunday like they were the only thing that mattered.

Turns out you can't run from your problems. The place you call home, the bed you sleep in at night, the people you call your friends - all these things can change but unless you do too, your problems will stay the same. You can't run from yourself.